Still 1 in 8

After years of trying to get pregnant, testing and treatment- we were officially diagnosed with unexplained infertility in 2016. What this means is, we don’t have an easy “pin point” explanation for why we can’t conceive naturally. It could be 1 of 100 different things, but it’s not one of the primary reasons women and/or men struggle to conceive. Not only is this diagnoses frustrating, but it’s one of the most stigmatized infertility diagnoses there is. Without a clear cut “reason” or “answer”, most outsiders want to reason away, justify or answer your diagnoses for you.... I’ll bare you details of the cringeworthy things people told me. 

After 3 different levels of fertility treatment and $25k+ later, we finally conceived our miracle baby through IVF! We were told early on that a lot of unexplained infertility cases eventually get pregnant naturally after having a baby through fertility treatment. My first thought when hearing this was, “of course I will! I’m young, I’m healthy, I’m active. My reproductive system will know what it’s doing after my first baby and turn on like a light switch- no problem!”

A couple months postpartum, I had my follow up OB visit to make sure everything was healing up well after my C-section. “Let’s talk birth control,” my OB ended my appointment with. “What for? I’ve never gotten pregnant naturally,” I questioned back. My OB laughed and made jokes that he would see me back by the end of the year for an ultrasound... therefore reinforcing the idea that I could definitely get pregnant naturally now.

Mario and I would discuss our perfect “age gap” for maylene and her future siblings, but always prefaced “if it doesn’t happen naturally by such & such date, we’ll know we need to do ivf again” as to not get our hopes up that we could ever conceive without IVF. 

Each deadline for when we would set up an appointment for IVF “if” we didn’t get pregnant on our own was pushed back by an external or financial circumstance (IVF ain’t cheap! Even the second time around). With each month that has passed following Maylene’s 1st birthday, the more disappointed I am when my period shows up. We have now entered into another form of infertility and one that is also extremely stigmatized: secondary infertility. Does it sting as much as the first time? I can’t speak for others, but I know for us, it doesn’t sting as much when your arms aren’t empty, but it doesn’t void out the sting all together, especially if you always dreamed of having multiple children. 

You’d be surprised HOW many couples with one child have or are currently struggling with secondary infertility- the inability to become pregnant or to carry a baby to term after previously giving birth to a baby. I’ve had countless clients, instagram followers and friends share with me how much they desire a second child, how they laugh off comments from family members “when are you going to give Johnny a sibling!?” or how they flat out lie and say they’re fine with only having one child… but deep down they’re grieving.

Those who struggle with secondary infertility are told that they’re selfish, ungrateful and should “just be happy with their one child”. Usually these comments come from those who have never struggled with infertility or have more than one child themselves— ironically. Let me say it before you think it- there’s NOTHING wrong or sinful with wanting more than one child. If you have kids yourself, you know how much of yourself you give and give up for your child as a parent, so how could having more than one be selfish? 

Regardless if we ever get pregnant “naturally”, we still plan to give our embryo-babies a chance for life and can’t wait! With so much of the world telling us what is “normal” or “natural”, the human heart can’t help but yearn to experience something like conceiving atleast one child without medical assistance.

If you’re struggling with infertility- regardless of what kind- know that you’re not alone. Reach out to someone to share how you’re feeling, seek out a good fertility specialist and don’t lose hope! 

Helpful resources if you’re struggling with infertility:

• RESOLVE: The Nation Infertility Association

• Infertility Unfiltered: OC based women support group

• What The Fertility: Infertility Blog

• SART: Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology- check stats for fertility clinics

My Embryo Transfer

It’s been TWO years since our embryo transfer. A day I’ll never forget, as long as I live…

The build up to a transfer day is unlike any other. You’re giddy, but scared. Excited, but anxious. Literally everything has brought you to this moment. Will they stick or will be have to start all over? I’ve had to fight for and wait for a lot of things in my life… all the things that are worth it, of course. Why would getting pregnant be any different?

Weeks and days prior to your embryo transfer, you teeter back and forth between being over the moon and absolutely terrified. For years, countless baby announcements & baby showers of those around us… Time and time again, a monthly reminder that AGAIN this was not the month. It was honestly hard to even imagine this being any different, as we had never had a positive pregnancy test… ever.

After years of let downs and disappointments, you start to toughen up in some areas, grow thick skin, put up a wall and even become cynical at times at the thought of it happening- as to protect the mustard seed amount of faith tucked away in your heart that it could possibly happen.

Preparing for our transfer day was not only a physical thing, but just as much as an emotional, mental & spiritual thing. I knew I not only had to release control, but I had to trust that the Lord would show up in the final hour, just as he had always done in mine & Mario’s journey— if He saw it fit for us. I had to trust that HIS plan was much greater than my own and He was going to do something beautiful regardless of the outcome.

The physical preparation sucked- plain and simple. I had to get regular injections into my lower back/ upper butt cheek starting a month before our transfer date. Although I have a good number of tattoos, there’s nothing like a needle being injected into your muscle time and time again, on top of weekly blood draws & vaginal ultrasounds for monitoring. I remember being so physically and emotionally exhausted all the time, while my mind and my hormones adjusted to the medication being poked into me every other day. I refused to drink caffeine, because I didn’t want to hinder my chances of the transfer working when the time came, so I was pushing through each day by hope alone.

The weekend before my transfer (like literally days), I went to a bachelorette party in Vegas for one of my best friends, despite some unsure fertility peers of mine about how it would affect me for my transfer day come that Monday. I didn’t drink and one of my other best friends had to do my routine injections for me, while we were out there. It totally helped keep my mind off things, so I didn’t drive myself crazy as I waited and watched the clock each day, knowing it was one hour closer to our transfer. On our drive home, I remember ordering a tank top online that said “Mama Bear”, in faith that I would be able to wear it in less than 2 weeks when I would receive my blood test results. I had done my part, now the rest was up to God. Literally nothing was in my control (if I hadn’t already realized THAT after years of infertility) and I was at peace as day turned to night the eve of my transfer.

Transfer Day was here! Although we were cleared for an earlier month, we chose to wait for a time that felt more responsible with my business, which was such a difficult decision, because it meant waiting longer before we would ever hold our baby in our arms. We got up early the morning of and went to breakfast, almost as if we were celebrating one of our birthdays. It felt unreal as we smiled and giggled back and forth during breakfast, reminiscing everything that brought us to this day. On the drive to the fertility center, we held hands, smiled and tears streamed down my face as Lauren Daigle “Trust In You’ echoed in the car on the stereo.

As we waited in the room, we prayed, laughed & took deep sighs. The nurse came in with a photo of our embryos they would be transferring and we excitedly took a photo with the photo— “Our First Family Photo”.

We transferred two non-genetically tested embryos into my womb. Our “embryo babies” as we call them. To some, they are just “cells”, but to us, these are our babies that already have their DNA code written, making them human & ours.

It’s such a wild feeling and moment when you see two little bubbles with your embryo babies in them float up in your uterus on a screen. Who can say they got to see their babies before they ever even attached in the womb?! The joy we had in the moment and on that day was immeasurable! It would be 10 days before we could find out if we were pregnant and each day would feel like a little kid waiting for Christmas morning or a bride waiting for her wedding day until we would receive a phone call. In the infertility world, this anxiety filled waiting period is called P.U.P.O= pregnant until proven otherwise. Or in Italian, Pupo means “baby”… ;)

Years and years of trying, doing recommended diets, cutting out caffeine, cutting out alcohol, drinking a glass of wine to “relax”, exercising more, exercising less, taking medication, praying with tear stained cheeks…. always ending with the reminder & reassurance that GOD is in control of everything, no matter how hard I tried, pushed, kicked, screamed & cried. God is faithful in every season, regardless if it’s how we pictured it all working out.

Our Infertility Journey- Part 3

With my husband’s side of things being excellent, our doctor ran me through a few more routine tests and procedures. We were put on a level 1 for our treatment plan— medications + vitamins + multiple monthly ultrasounds + multiple monthly blood work + restrictive diet + trigger shots + timed intercourse. We were excited that this could finally be it!

Three months into treatment and we had no success, so we switched medications, hoping my body would respond better to a different drug. Each month, being harder and harder, as well as becoming more devastated emotionally, physically and financially with no results. We were now classified as “Unexplained Infertility” after 2.5 years of trying to get pregnant intentionally, and almost 5 years unintentionally with no contraceptives. Realizing that there could be a chance we would never become parents naturally, we made sure to continue to keep our marriage as the focal point- going on trips away to spend quality time together, making date night a priority and even going to marriage counseling when we saw that our fertility journey was putting a strain on our relationship.

After a traumatic car accident, ovarian cysts from medication and what felt like countless setbacks, we completed our last round of treatment for level 1 and it was unsuccessful. We were told that we had exhausted the level of treatment we had been trying at (with a 39% chance to get pregnant overall), and with our testing results and lack of fertility insurance coverage, Level 2 (IUI) wouldn’t provide us with any greater odds than that of which we had been trying already. Since I was currently under 30 years old, as well as all of our other tests show in our favor, our doctor was very optimistic and said that IVF would provide us with a 80-90% chance to become parents on one try.

In Vitro Fertilization is intensive and extremely expensive. Unfortunately, our medical insurance didn’t cover a dime. It became more and more difficult to come up with the funds to proceed with fertility treatment, after spending thousands upon thousands of dollars. With over 2.5 years worth of blood work, testing, procedures and medications all paid for out of pocket, we had exhausted our personal finances. This is when we came to terms with the fact we needed to vulnerable and ask for help, so we started at GoFundMe. It was both difficult & humbling to even ask for help for such a personal journey, but we pray that through our transparency & vulnerability, God will be glorified and other couples will be comforted. We knew ultimately the Lord would provide as He saw fit and most importantly, we wanted to give glory to God through this entire journey & process. We knew medically, the longer we waited, our chances for success would decrease, statistically speaking.

In August 2017, we started our IVF journey after raising over $8,000.00 in funds, family donations and pulling from savings we put away over 6 months for this moment. I remember walking into the fertility clinic with $12k+ in cash, because we just wanted to put the money down as soon as we got it and out of our bank accounts. September 2017, I started my pre-egg retrieval stomach injections and boy did they suck. As a wedding photographer, I would have to plan in advance when I would be able to sneak away (in a short window of time) to give myself multiple injections out of sight from guests and my clients. It was physically and emotionally taxing to say the least. As we were a few days out from our egg retrieval and countless injections later, I got the call 15 minutes before a photoshoot that my estrogen levels had plummeted and my egg retrieval would need to be rescheduled for a later date and I would need a whole NEW protocol for medications. I felt like the wind was knocked out of me and tears streamed down my face, as I knew my doctor wouldn’t make that kind of call unless it was in my best interest. Regardless, I was devastated that I would now have to wait even longer to get closer to holding my baby I had been dreaming of.

November finally came. My egg retrieval was a success in medical terms and 30 eggs had been retrieved (Holy Crap!)… my husband and I decided to not do genetic testing for personal and faith based reasons, so we had no idea the “medical” chances we had for a success transfer once reaching day 5 with our embryos. Day 5 came, we got the call that 6 embryos had made it to the end. Kind of crazy when you think about it- your start with 30 eggs, about half of those fertilize and each day a few drop off until you’re left with your find number.

Because my ovaries were SO swollen from the medications and the procedure (the doctor said they were “kissing” over my uterus), we were denied a fresh transfer and put our little babies in the freezer (so to speak) and waited for clearance to do a frozen transfer.

Once again, being a wedding photographer, my timeline had to be very strategic for when we would not only do the transfer and I would be on bedrest, but when our potential baby (or babies) would be born. So while we were cleared for January 2018, we chose March 13, 2018 as our transfer date. Now came the intramuscular injections… I was terrified. For someone who is covered in tattoos, intramuscular injections were something I was dreading the entire journey. I remember that first injection in the doctors office. The nurse showed my husband, so he could help me on a daily basis to do several injections into my upper butt cheek- (enter sarcastic “yay” here). I kept asking question after question to avoid the inevitable needle going into my tooshy. Although, I will say that they got better or more tolerable with time, it was still a task I don’t look back on fondly. Like with my stomach injections before egg retrieval, I had a routine for the process before and during my injections. I would take deep breaths to relax myself—because getting injections while tense isn’t fun for anyone— and I would put on worship music to focus on, while getting stabbed with a needle. I would envision myself pregnant and ultimately holding my baby at the end of all of this.

Transfer Day came after what felt like forever building up to it. We transferred two non-genetically tested embryos into my womb and waited 10 days for the blood test that would tell us if we had indeed became parents. I still remember that day like yesterday— it felt like waiting for Christmas morning as a little girl… would I get the present I had wanted all year long? We went and got the blood work done as soon as they opened, so I would hopefully be one of the first people to get a call later that afternoon with the results. Then we waited what felt like an eternity to get the call. It was around 3:00pm when I saw the call come in and I anxiously answered it. My nurse coordinator had become a good friend to me over the years of treatment and heartache. She messed with me- asking me how I felt, if I had any symptoms since the transfer and then asked me if I wanted to know the results. “You’re Pregnant!” I heard on the other end of the phone and tears streamed down my face, still in disbelief. I had never heard those words, had never seen 2 lines on a test… how could it be?! Immediately after hanging up the phone, I went to pee on an old test I had in my drawer and quickly 2 pink lines showed up. I held the test and sobbed tears of joy… IT WORKED! All those years of heartache, pain, frustration and tears brought us to this day. Quickly, I realized I had about 45 minutes before my husband would be home from work, so I rushed to the store and got a digital test and balloons that said “BABY” to surprise him as soon as he walked through the door. As soon as I got home, I hit the record button on my phone and waited for his reaction. Right after my wedding day, it was the most joyous day of my life.

Fast forward December 3, 2018. The day our little girl was born. One of our embryos made it and we got to hold our little girl in our arms for the first time. It was ALL worth it. Every tear, every heartbreak, every year, every dollar, every injection and all the prayers for our precious baby. There were several moments I had felt like giving up along our road to becoming parents. Several times I broke down crying at the idea of becoming 30 and not having a baby in my arms and no one to every call me “Mom”… but with faith, fight and an amazing team of gifted medical professionals, our dream is now reality. If I could give advice to anyone in the trenches of infertility, it would be to not give up. Your miracle could be on the other side of the storm you’re currently in. Find yourself a good community of others going through the same journey, whether online or in person. People who have never gone through it, unfortunately will never understand no matter how hard they try. Try to not let well-intentioned people with bad advice or unsolicited suggestions get in your head and take away your focus from your goal of having a baby. Keep your eye on the prize and don’t lose faith.