“Until death do us part..”
Probably one of the most romanticized lines of wedding vows that there is. As a bride-to-be, we day dream about our perfect day with our soon-to-be husband surrounded by our closest family and friends as we vow to forever, before falling asleep in each others’ arms every night, pouring coffee for one another in the morning, being greeted sporadically with a gorgeous bouquet of flowers— “Just Because”— of course. Buying a puppy that is your “first baby”, eventually having beautiful babies that look just like our husband and growing old together like Allie & Noah in the Notebook.
None of these things are bad- let me first start off by saying that. However, they aren’t the most realistic expectations when it comes to marriage and the trials that happen in-between the perfectly curated Instagram feeds that you see of old friends from high school or the new cute couple you sit next to at church. It’s the devotion, commitment and long-suffering in the hardest of times, the moments we feel like giving up, the days your spouse really lets you down & we don’t like them, the months you scrape by from paycheck to paycheck just to pay your bills together, the years of trying to get pregnant with your first baby & crying each month it doesn’t happen… THAT’S when “until death do us part” and your vows hold their weight from your wedding day.
So, what are wedding vows? Simply put- they are promises expressed to one another in order to state intention for marriage, as well as to be held accountable by our spouse, family, friends and God.
Based upon Christian norms, the oldest standard wedding vows can be traced back to the Book of Common Prayer, by Thomas Cranmer, Archbishop of Canterbury— for a little history for ya. Although there have been minor changes in the wording since then, the meaning in the vows of marriage are clear— only death ( in other words, by God, Himself) can end a marriage. Unlike a contract between two individuals, which can be broken by one of the parties, a covenant with vows is considered a lifelong commitment, with the marriage pact only able to be broken by death.
Vows aren’t just cute or romantic anecdotes— they’re promises, a serious commitment that you’re making in front of God and your loved ones as witnesses (hence the whole reason for a wedding). That doesn’t mean that they have to be completely heavy, but they should hold some weight to the importance and significance of a lifelong commitment— not just inside jokes or expressions of love in poetic form.
I have to be honest— I can’t begin to tell you how many weddings I’ve photographed or attended as a guest (although I love you all!) where what was expressed as personal vows were simply quirky jokes, song lyrics, compliments or stories. I get it— it took me THREE drafts to write my vows. THREE! I first wrote what read as a letter, I then wrote what read as something similar to poem and then I combined the two for my third draft. Three pages later- front & back- in HUGE font and spaced out sentences, so I could read between my tears, I had in front of me some of the most difficult promises as a flawed woman, I would ever make and have to uphold for the rest of my life. Some of my vows seemed so simple and a matter of fact, but I never realized what they would mean until the storms of life would come into our marriage.
If you’re like most people who have never been married, sitting down to write your vows can be daunting and overwhelming— which is probably why most people wait until the night before or day of to write them. Although I would never want to sway you on how to write your vows, the message I’m trying to drive home is to know WHAT vows are and how they will impact your marriage.
Not sure where to start? Think of the healthy, long-term marriages you have witnessed in your life and the pillars that keep those marriages standing: loyalty, respect, trust, fidelity, selflessness, etc. Now think about some of the hardest things that a marriage can face and how those vows will be upheld: death of a family member, health problems, loss of a job, loss of income, unpaid bills piling up, having to move, depression, dreams being put on hold, anxiety, addiction, etc. It’s in the hardest seasons of life, that your vows will serve as the pillars that your marriage will be held up by.
